paalam joshua

lahat tayo eh me mga misyon sa buhay.
meron tayong mga pangarap na nais nating maabot.
meron din tayong mga minamahal na gusto nating makasama hanggang sa pagtanda.
pero paano pag di na pwede? paano pag di na posible?

nalungkot ako bigla ng nakatanggap ako ng text kaninang umaga.

para sayo to, joshua.


****


sa mura nating mga edad noon, mahilig ka talagang mang alaska.
ang taba mo kaya, ang laki laki mo, para kang bonjing.
napakabully mo, yung ibang boys, sinusuntok mo.
nung medjo nagkaisip na tayo, makulit ka pa rin, bully ka pa din.
meron ding pagkakataon na nagka crush ako sayo.
alam kong pabiro kung hawakan mo pwet ko, pero nakikiliti pa rin ako.

instik ka. singkit pero napaka itim mo.
coco crunch yung tawag ko sayo.
yung kuko mo kasi, kuko ng intsik, yung tipong maliliit na sobrang lapad.
pagnaririnig mo ko, bulyaw ang inaabot ko.

simula ng nagkaiba ang schools natin pagdating ng highschool, na miss kita bigla.
pero simula ng naghighschool tayo, di ka nakalimot.
pag malapit na yung pasko, isa-isa mo kaming sinusundo,
parang naging big bro ka naming lahat.
dadalhin mo kami sa mga resorts, sa mga kainan, sa mga restaurants.
syempre, may sasakyan ka na, ikaw palagi yung taya.
umorder ako ng crispy pata nun, ikaw pa rin nagbayad.


dun ko na realize na nagbabago din pala ang tao.
sobrang bully ka noon, pero ang cool mo na ngayon.
binigyan mo pa ako ng vip card sa bar niyo.


mahirap tanggapin na wala ng taga-libre, wala ng taga hatid-sundo pag outings.
nakakalungkot talaga dahil iniwan mo na kami.
nalulungkot ako dahil alam ko na gaya ko, marami ka ding pangarap.
marami pa ang mga ''sana'' na pwedeng nangyari sa yo.

pero alam kong payapa ka na ngayon.
kasama mo na ang lumikha sa atin.
kaya siguro see you at the crossroads na lang joshie.

****

bigla akong napaisip.
bigla kong narealize na di talaga natin hawak ang bukas.
kaya let's just make the most out of every mornings that we have.
apologize to those who we have or have had hurt.
say thank you sa mga taong nagmamahal sa atin.
and say ilove you o i love you too sa mga taong importante sa atin.

naisip ko din na mahirap din pala sa magulang na mawalan ng anak.
dahil kadalasan dapat tayong mga anak ang maghahatid sa kanila sa kanilang huling hantungan and not otherwise.

****

si joshua, 20 years old.
nakuryente sya sa elevator, hinawakan niya yung wire na nakasabit at nakuryente 300 volts.

PAPA'S BOY

natatandaan mo pa ba noong elementary ako, everytime na nakakakuha ako ng star mula sa teacher ko eh pinapakita ko agad sayo? kapalit nito ay ang malulutong at bagong-bago na 20 peso bills na tinatago ko naman agad sa aking wallet.

pag mabait ako, pag parati kitang sinasalubong pagdating mo galing work, pag pinaghanda kita ng lunch sa mesa, tuwang-tuwa ka na nun at bibigyan mo na naman ako ulit ng pera.

pag nananalo ka sa sabong, instant extra na rin sa allowance, minsan doble yung natatanggap ko.

minsan nahihiya na rin ako dahil sobra sobra na rin yung natatanggap ko pero okay lang, masaya naman pag daming pera. okay fine, mukahang pera ako.hehe

paglasing ka noon, alam mo bang ginagawa ko? kinukuha ko yung cellphone mo at nagpapasaload ako. haha. di mo man lang nahahahalata.

marami akong nagawang di magaganda pag sapit ng college days ko. alam mo bang pag 9pm at tulog ka na, umaalis ako ng bahay at tatambay with friends? uuwi na ko pag 3am na?

naging suwail, naglayas, naubos ang alahas sa kaka sanla para me pang extra sa gimmik, at lahat na ata ng pagrerebelde nagawa ko na. pero isang sorry lang, lalambot na yung puso mo.

kahit gano talaga kasama ugali ko, tinatanggap mo ko. homophobic ka pa nga, pero nung mag confess ako sayo, naiyak ka nalang at sinabing tanggap mo ako.

nitong birthday ko, salamat sa handa na pinadala mo, salamat din sa pera. anu ba?pera na naman...hmmm..:))


ngayong magtratrabaho na ko, mag-iipon ako, dahil matanda ka na, years soon, alam ko, ikaw naman yung bibigyan ko ng malulutong na bills. and sa pagdating ng araw, from peso to dollars na.

at di ko man madalas sabihin sayo,sasabihin ko nalang dito, akward kasi eh..

papa, i  love love love you. malaki na ako at bakla pa, pero papa's boy pa din ako, kahit bente na.:))

lipstick na pula

''bilhan mo ako ng skyflakes dyan sa kanto''

utos ng kanyang inay.

pagbalik niya....

wala na ang nanay niya, wala ang mga damit sa aparador, lipstick lang ang natira. ang matingkad na kulay na lipstick ng nanay niya.


****

matapos kong magsimba,

nakita ko sya, malaki na siya.

palakad lakad sa daan, tila walang patutunguhan.

madungis na sya, di gaya noong bata pa.

labing limang taon na, mula ng una at huli ko syang nakita

napakadungis ng damit niya, taong grasa ang tawag sa tulad niya.

pero sya lang ang tanging taong grasa na nakita kong nakapintura.

oo, nakapintura ang bibig niya.

matingkad ang kulay ng lipstick niya,, lipstick na tanging naiwan ng nanay niya bukod sa kanya.

sinalubong niya ang isang ale.

nanay...nanay..nanay...iyak niya..

aktong yayakap na sya, itinulak sya.

natumba sya. basang basa ang mga mata.

walang pinagbago, hanap parin nya ang nanay niya.

suot parin niya ang  lipstick nyang pula.


***

sa mga nagreet saken nung 22nd, thanks talaga..:))

i felt sooo loved...

maskara

negra ka!!! negra!!!

halos di sya mapagod sa kakakantyaw sa kaklase nyang maitim ang balat.

mapanghusga sya. mapanlait. wala syang pakealam anu man ang sabihin ng iba, anu man ang maramdaman ng kinakantyaw niya.

masakit syang magsalita, malakas ang tinig, nakakabingi. mura ng mura.

umiiyak na ang iniinsulto nya, pero sige pa rin sya.

dadaragdagan pa nya,

mukha kang chimay, panget! kirara ka!!!


 pag-uwi nya sa mansyon nila, sasalubungin sya ng mga katulong nila.


si mama?

si papa?

itatanong niya.

''wala pa sila'', ''out of town'',kadalasang sagot nila.


tatalikod sya, magdadabog, itatapon ang bag kahit saan.

papasok sa kanyang kwarto.

haharap sa salamin, huhubarin sapatos..

kakatok ang katulong, papapasukin niya, itatapon ang sapatos sa mukha ng atchay nila.

lumabas kang panget ka!!!! sisigaw sya.

lalabas na ang muchacha.


harap ulit sa salamin, huhubarin ang medyas, ang palda, ang uniform niya,,,

tutulo ang luha niya habang kinukuha ang MAKAPAL NIYANG MAKE-UP, gamit ang zhue eumura.

AYUN NA,BUBUHOS NA ANG LUHA NIYA. HAHAGULGOL. MAGDADABOG.


LUMABAS ANG TUNAY NA KULAY NIYA, MAS MAITIM PA SYA SA NEGRA, AT KASING ITIM NG UGALI NIYA.

kakatok ang mga muchacha, worried sila.

pagbukas ng pintuan, nakita nila.

SINUOT ULI NIYA, ANG KANYANG MAKAPAL NA MASKARA.

maghihintay sa kabilang buhay

highschool ako nang iwan mo ako.
tanong ko lang, ano ba ang ginawa ko?
minahal kita, mahal na mahal, buklatin mu man ang puso ko.
pero wala eh, bigla ka na lang nag laho.

hinanap kita, sa manila, sa cebu, sa davao.
luzon man, visayas at mindanao.
pero di ko makita, kahit anino mo, wala.
ganito ba talaga ikaw magmahal?

oo, mahirap ako. mahirap ang pamilya ko.
pero ginawa ko ang mga homeworks ko ng pulido,
kaya eto, grumaduate na ako,
summa cumlaude, tulad ng aking ipinangako.

akala ko, babalik ka na.
nakaready na ang bahay natin,ay... mansyon pala.
gagawin kitang reyna.
nakaready na rin ang kalesa.

sampung taon na mula ng mawala ka.
marami na akong nakilala,
pero walang magtagal.
mahal na mahal kasi talaga kita.

alam ko, mababasa mo ako sa dyaryo,
alam ko, babalik ka tulad ng iyong pangako,
pero pagod na pago na ako,
matutulog na muna ako.

sa pagtulog ko, aasahan kong ika'y makita ko.
tingnan mo ako, mula ulo hanggang paa, mayaman na ako,
para sayo lahat ng makikita mo sa bahay ko,
alahas, pera, diamante at ginto, pati narin ang negosyo.

pero paano ba yan?
alam ko naman na babalik ka na.
pero hihintayin na naman kita.
ihatid mo ako ha? sa huling hantungan, ika nga.
hihintayin kita, sa kabilang buhay na...
wag mong kalimutan, mahal na mahal kita....:(((


****

dumating nga sya,
hinatid nya sya, sa huling hantungan niya,
subalit maghihintay parin sya sa kanya,
sa kabilang buhay na, dahil patay na sya....

PAGLAYA

''Sigurado ka bang ayaw mong sumama?''

Dito na lang ako sa bahay, medjo pagod sa skwela.


****


masayahin sya noon. palangiti. ma-kwento. marami syang kaibigan, at walang araw na di ito nakakapaglaro.

sumapit ang ika-otsong kaarawan niya. sobrang saya niya. maraming lobo. malaki ang cake. maraming mga pagkain. di rin mabilang ang mga bisita.

happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday happy birthday, happy birthday to youuuu....

''make a wish na''

''blow the candles''


pero ilang minuto lang matapos hipan niya ang mga kandila na nakapatong sa cake niya, narinig nila syang umiyak.

natapos ang party. dalawang araw na mula ng birthday niya pero hindi na sya muli pang nakita ng mga kapitbahay nila. hindi na sya muling nakita ng mga kalaro niya.



******

isang araw matapos ang party ko, umalis na kami nina daddy at mommy.lumuwas kami ng manila.
nakakalungkot lang, di ako nakapag-paalam sa mga kaibigan ko. sa mga kapitbahay naming walang ginawa kundi pisilin ang pisngi ko. namimiss ko sila. miss na miss ko na sila.


nakapag graduate na ako ng elementarya. high school na ako pero ni isa sa mga kaklase ko ay  wala akong naging kaibigan. hindi ko alam. hindi ko alam kung bakit.

baka nga nasa akin ang problema, baka ako talaga ang di lumalapit sa kanila.

******

mula ng mapadpad sila ng manila, mula ng matapos ang birthday party niya, mula ng mag otso sya, parang hindi niya na makilala ang sarili niya.


ayaw niyang lumabas ng bahay. palagi syang walang consentrasyon. parati din syang wala sa katinuan.

sa gabi, di sya makatulog. nagigising sya minsan, basang-basa ang mga mata. umiyak pala sya.
palagi niyang naaalala ang birthday niya.

pag walang pasok, sa bahay lang sya. kausap ang kalapati niya. bigay ng mama at papa niya, noong mag otso sya.

graduation niya yung araw na yun, birthday din niya. kinse na sya.
merong tumawang kay papa niya, sabi, patay na daw ang tito niya.

lumuwas sila, bumalik sa probinsya.

*******

pagtapak ko sa lupa sa baba ng sasakyan, naramdaman ko ang bigat ng aking katawan.

bumabalik sa aking katauhan, ika-otso kong kaarawan.

humakbang ako papalapit sa kabaong ng tiyo ko. hawak ko sa kanang kamay, kalapati ko.

ilang hakbang pa ang aming ginawa, nandun ang kabaong niya.

tumayo ako sa tabi niya. tinitigan ko sya. siniguradong patay na nga.

tumulo ang luha ko. humikbi ng todo-todo, ngayon tahimik na sya.

di na ako guguluhin ng anino niya, sa mga panaginip ko, sa pagtitig ko sa taas- baba- kanan- kaliwa.

''labas muna ako pa''

sige, ang sagot ng aking ama.

may ngiti sya sa mukha, pansin ng kanyang ama.

****

humakbang sya sa labas ng bahay ng tiyo niya.

''ngayon, di na kita ikukulong, dahil mag mula ngayon, malaya ka na''

sabay pakawala sa kalapati, lumipad ito, kasabay ng pagtawa at pagsaya ng mukha ng kanyang amo.


ngayong tahimik na sya, tahimik na rin ako. mawawala na ang pighating dinulot niya,,, noong bertday ko.. 




********************




fictional toh, di ako na rape..:))

used to be

Just came across this song and it made me think, when will we have the will to change?

when are we going to realize that just because everybody's doin it, doesn't have to mean that we also have to do it and that it's good?

wala lang, i just hope it's no longer too late if we start to realize things,when damages could no longer be altered or get corrected.

i hope we could go back and practice or do things they way they used to be done...

used to be- stevie wonder

Superman was killed in Dallas
There's no love left in the palace
Someone took the Beatles' lead guitar
Have another Chivas Regal
You're 12 years old and sex is legal
Your parents don't know where or who you are

Used to be the hero of the ballgame
Took the time to shake the loser's hand
Used to be that failure only meant you didn't try
In a world where people gave a damn

Great big wars in little places
Look at all those frightened faces
But don't come here, we just don't have the room
Love thy neighbours wife and daughter
Cleanse your life with Holy water
We don't need to bathe, we've got perfume

Used to be a knight in shining armour
Didn't have to own a shiny car
Dignity and courage were the measure of a man
Not the drugs he needs to hide the scar

Can your teacher read, does your preacher pray
Does your president have soul
Have you heard a real good ethnic joke today
Mama took to speed and daddy ran away
But you mustn't lose control
Let's cut the class, I got some grass
The kids are wild we just can't tame 'em
Do we have the right to blame them

We fed them all our indecisions
We wrecked their minds with television
But what the hell, they're too young to feel pain
But I believe that love can save tomorrow
Believe the truth can make us free
Someone tried to say it, then we nailed Him to a cross
I guess it's still the way it used to be

pagsisisi :((

Marami akong nagawa noon na pinagsisisihan ko. Sana di ko na lang ginawa. Sana din a lang nagyari. Sana nag-isip ako. Pero anung sakit man o hirap ang naidulot sa akin ng mga ito, alam ko, sa puso ko, natuto ako.

Akala ko, sosyal ang magsigarilyo. Puff-sabay-buga ang una kong paraan, but as lil time went by, pinagsikapan ko rin na matutong mag puff-inhale-hit-buga. Ayun, din na ako pinagtatawanan sa mga bars or coffee shop twing magsisigarilyo ako, dahil expert na ako pag tungtong ko ng 3rd yr. College. Pilit ko mang itago sa parents ko, nalaman parin nila. Super sermon yung naabot ko, super bawal na magsmoke. Pero pano ko naman mapipigil eh lahat sa barkada ko smoker din. Sana pala tinigil ko habang maaga pa, sana pala sinunod ko sila. Heto ako ngayon, chain smoker ang drama. 1 and a half case yung nauubos ko sa isang araw, kahit anung pilit kong itigil, di talaga makaya.

Akala ko, cool yung every dismissal eh punta agad sa tambayan, magpakalasing kasama yung friends. Oo, marami akong nagging kaibigan non, parang halos lahat friends ko na. Pero nasan na sila ngayon? Konti na lang natira. Di na kasi ako nagpapakalasing sa tamabayan nila. Naisip ko, 6x a week yun kung mangyari, kung inipon ko lang sana yung perang winaldas ko sa kakainom, naku, nakabili n asana ako ng 2nd hand na sasakyan.


Akala ko, pag every 9pm every night, 7 times a week, kasama ko yung barkada ko, tambay kahit saan, chill lang, inom, weeds pa minsan, enjoy na enjoy yun, yun ang akala ko. Anong napala ko? Sermon ulit, nahuli kasi ako ni mama isang gabi habang umaakyat ako sa terrace ng kwarto ko, gamit ko pa yung ladder na pwedeng i-fold. Ayun, ilang buwan na grounded. Pwede nang pangtuition ng dalawang sem yung naubos kong pera dahil isang buwan din kaya nangyari yun. Naisip ko, pano kaya kung na-massacre yung mga tao sa bahay dahil mabilis makakapasok yung magnanakaw dahil iniiwan kong bukas yung terrace ko pag tumatakas ako gabi-gabi? Buti nalang naagapan.


Akala ko, nakakawala ng stress pag naglayas ako, stress kasi noon kung ituring ko yung parents ko. Anong napala ko? Eh di ayun, walang makain, walang matirahan, walang pera. Bumalik parin ako. Marami din akong nabagsak na mga subjects dahil dun. Eh di take ulit. Haha.


Sa sobra kong pagmamaliit ng mga tao noon, sila pa yung successful ngayon, eh ako? Nasa isang sulok lang ngayon, humihingi parin nga pera sa mga magulang ko.



Akala ko, sukatan ng pagka-pogi ang dami ng nagging shota. Di ko na nga sila mabilang ngayon. Di ko na din maalala yung pangalan ng iba sa kanila. Ayun, mahal ko na pala yung isa, pero too late na, nasaktan na sha. Meron ding isa, walang kinahinatnan yung relasyon. Eh nung nagging single ako one time, nahirapan na ako. Kilala na kasi nila ako. Pokpok daw ako. Pero eto, nagbago naman ako, eh di nakilala ko yung minamahal ko.:))



Kaya habang bata pa kayo, matuto na kayo bago pa mahuli na at din a mareretoke ang mga pagkakamali nyo. Promise magsisi din kayo, tulad ko.

youtube sensation he is

ayyyy...got my youtube crush na... everybody's talkin bout him, huli na ata ako..hehe...:))

share ko lang..haha..:))

pag-aalaga

Alam mo bang na mimiss ko na ang pagtulog katabi mo?

Ang pag gising sa umaga na amoy na amoy ko ang niluluto mo.

Isang beses ko lang naaalala na hinalikan kita.

Ni hindi ako makapagpasalamat sa lahat na nagagwa mo para sa akin.

Labing limang taon din tayong nagkasama, at ako’y nabusog sa pag-
aalaga.

‘’mahal kita’’, ito ang mga katagang di ko masabi sabi.

Baka kasi i’ll sound corny. 




Alam mo bang ayoko kapag isda ang ulam na niluluto mo para sakin?

Pero kinakain ko pa rin, lalo na pag linalagyan mo ng toyo tsaka sa akin ay isinusubo sakin.

Pag uwian na, alam kong nagbabantay ka sa labas ng school ko.

Ako’y sinusundu mo, at bibili tayo ng barbeque, snacks natin, sabi mo.

Sa mga school affairs, wala sina mama, ikaw palagi ang aking kasama.

Pag wala naman si papa, sinasama mo parin ako kung gabi, para lang maglakwatsa.

Di man kita kadugo, sa puso ko, ika’y aking pamilya.



Di ko man masabi sayo ang napapaloob sa tulang ito,

Di ko man masabi sayo , mahalaga ka sa puso ko,

Alam ko nararamdaman mo, dahil kahit malayo ka na,

Pag walang wala ka, ako ang tinatakbuhan mo,

Ako ang tumutulong sayo.

Kulang pa nga tong mga ginagawa ko,

Kumpara sa mga sakripisyo mo.




Sabi nila, yaya daw kita, sabi ko naman, higit ka pa kina mama at papa.


Dahil ikaw ang nagpalaki saken, manang rita...:((

CHILDHOOD

Masturbating.

The first time I tried it, I used soap. It was actually painful on my dick's skin and when I thought that I was about to cum, I actually just urinated. months later, I watched a porn movie, and stroked my dicky without the soap, I stroked it patiently for about 30 mins and boom, it is still clear in my mind, my cum overflowed. It filled half a small tea cup. How did I know? I measured it. I cummed in the tea cup.



school.

I still remember when I was in grade 1, my friends and I would put powder on our classroom's floor, we'll then play sliding as if we were skating, and that was the first time I got scolded by my adviser and punished us and made us go outside and squat.



Children’s party.

when I was  9 and I was invited to come to my friend's birthday party, I hid the invitation card from my dad because I really didn’t want to attend, see, I don’t really like associating with other people back then. My dad saw it a day before the party, then shit, I ended up wearing the blue ranger costume and went to the party.



Church.

When I was pretty young, I’d pretend having a toothache or that I’m sick or sleeping every Sunday afternoon just so I wouldn’t have to go with my parents to hear the mass. or if I’m with my yaya, I’d tell her that she has to buy me something in the mall before the mass as my reward, but in the middle of the mass, I’d pretend that I’d have to poop. haha.


Halloween.

The whole clan would actually visit the cemetery and go to our loved ones who passed away. We, as kids would play with the candles. The melted parts we gathered and moulded it into balls. We would also get big nido cans and put holes on its edges and put a little candle inside it as if it were lanterns.


text.

This was what I usually played 12 years ago. I have this one pampaswerteng pambato which always made me win. I remember how those text cards occupied the whole two drawers of my closet. I used to have thousands of them. It made me happy, and it made my skin really dark. I used to play it from 7:00am- 3pm straight when I was a kid.


Air gun.

Before I went to school that sunny morning, I wrote my dad a note that said:

Papa,

    You have to buy me an airgun.

            Your good little boy,
                    Tope

That same day, I got one, and it was an armalite airgun.
I played with it and shot the birds outside the house.



Tutor.

Got my first tutor when I failed with my math class way back grade 5. I would often give her chocolates whenever she tutors me, and she ends up eating and eating and talking and talking, no tutoring happened then.



Cell phone.

my dad bought me my very first cell phone when I was in grade 5, I was one of the few who had one. That 5510 was pretty expensive during that time, it was sold at P9, 000.00 . I got jealous with my friends and cried almost every night till one day my dad grew tired of all the crying and no eating and no talking-to-him and just bought me one. :)



Elephant pants.

It used to be a trend when i was in grade 6. The hell I laughed when I saw my old pictures wearing 'em. it looked like a big skirt on me. Damn.


Lip balm.

my best friend and i were seatmates when we we're about to graduate from elementary. Her dad bought her a lip balm from thebodyshop which smelled and tasted like strawberry. I remember how we put it on our lips just so we could lick it. haha.



Mandy Moore and Britney spears and Christina Aguilera
From grade 6 to first year high, these were our favrites. we'd dance and sing their songs or fight and argue about who's the best. one time during my algebra class i was singing ''cry by Mandy Moore'', my teacher yelled, '' sino yung kumakanta?'' i raised my hand because i thought she loved it. sige kumanta ka sa harap she yelled again. i was so embarrassed that time and got myself crying. that was the first time i had an enemy-teacher. haha. She didn’t fail me but she gave me 78 in my class card.


****************

these are some of my childhood memories. bad or good, this was what made my personality. this will always remind me that i was once a kid. a kid who fell a lot of times but managed to stand up and fight again. and now,this is me, and never will i change it for anybody.

DIARY

PUMAYAT AKO SA KAKAIWAS KUMAIN WITH THEM :))

dear diary,


a couple of nights ago, nag-away kami ni mama, nagkatampuhan.
meron shang pinapagawa saken when i suddenly yelled at her. ganun kase ako minsan, pagtinotopak, sobrang suplado na, naninigaw pa.

she asked me if pde akong magfried rice kasi masarap daw kainin yung fried chicken and fried rice pag malamig.

sa dalawang plato mo ilagay, di kakasya pag isa lang.

ilang plato ba to sa tingin mo? pasigaw kong sagot.

ayun,na high blood xa, napasigaw din.

eh di wag mo nang i-fried rice yan. wag na!!!

malas pa, nandun mismo si erpats. nagalit. nagsermon at puro sigaw.

aktong linalagay ko na yung rice sa frying pan, kinuha bigla ni erpats yung ginagamit na panlugay ng rice, i dont know what it's called..hehe..

super sermon to the point na umiyak ako. sobrang iyak na ako then pumasok sa room. di ako kumain.

pag gising ko, di ako kumain. di rin ako lumabas ng room.
pag-uwi ko, nakasalubong ko yung mama ko papalabas ng bahay, di ko sya pinansin, sya yung nag-initiate ng conversation...mejo nagmelt din yung heart ko. alam ko naman kasing kasalanan ko rin.

di rin ako kumain ng dinner nung gabing yun, bumili lang ako ng cheesecake para me laman yung chanie ko.haha

***

paggising ko kanina, naligo ako, di na rin nagbreakfast, di rin naglunch kasi dumirestso na ako sa coffee shop para makapag-wifi..

pag-uwi ko kanina mga bandang 4pm, natulog ako then mga 7pm na ako nagising... ayun concerned sila sa ubo't sipon ko...kaya ayun nangayayat talaga ako in 3days, i lovet... me maidudulot din palang siomething good yung tampo tampo ko...hahahha

kaya i started talking to them na kanina. parang friends na ulet kami...haha..


                                                                                                                                        love love love,
                                                                                                                                        toffer

ps: salamat kasi kahit ganto ako, bakla na, suplado pa eh they always try to understand me. ewan, nasanay lang talaga akong ganto... kakaiyak lang, i always dreamt of a family like this pero ngayon ko lang nakuha... sana di nalang ako pinaubaya noong bata ako...sana....

FUCK YOU part 2

i was driving my car when the thought of him entered my mind.

****

i was outside the bar smoking when i saw him. he just got out. he was simple yet stylish. he had eyes that were expressive enough to tell you that he's lonely. he had kissable lips. his chinky eyes had started to drop with his body when i caught him on his shoulders. he was drunk. he was intoxicated. i carried him all the way to my car which i parked several steps outside the bar last night.

i laid him just beside the drivers seat. he smelled like beer mixed with his vanilla scented perfume.

i was driving my way to my apartment yet i cant stop looking at his gorgeous face.

as i lay him to bed, he grabbed my neck and started kissing me. i couldn't contain more of my hard-on. we kissed. we necked. we licked each others nips. we sucked off each others cocks. we fucked. we came. we slept.

as i thought of what had happened last night and earlier today, i couldn't stop myself from smiling.

i was smiling again. the very first time i smiled after the break-up and tears i got from jaime 5 months ago. he was the reason. i just dont know his name,see, he was pretty stubborn for him to introduce himself properly. but i truly know that he was the reason.

his cute face.

his body.

his fuckin stubborn attitude.

they were all the reason.

to be continued...

FUCK YOU part 1

he was awakened by the crackly, squeaky sound my door made just after i went inside the room after showering.

''hey!'' i greeted him while i began to wear my duty uniform that morning.

there was no response.

i looked at him and i wasnt wrong last night. he's cute. he's tall, fair skinned, chinky eyed, baby face. his face showed much of cunfusion as he got up and took a glance of my pad, then he started staring at me while i zip my fly.

''where am i?''he asked.

''seriously?'' i responded with a giggle.

''oh shit..'' he murmured covering his face with a pillow.

''so you get amnesia after waking up with a hang-over huh?''

''what time is it?''

''it's a quarter past 8 and i have to get going, just lock the door after you leave, i dont wanna be late''

''what the fuck!'' he said aloud while he hurriedly grabbed his clothes and started to dress up.

i was about to spray my perfume when he grabbed it from my hand and took a spray from it.

''hmmm, ang bango ah'' he mustered while he smelled my neck and ran out of my room.

i chased him and yelled at him.

''TOPE!''

''what?''

''I'm tope. and. you. are?'' still yelling because he was already downstairs.

''FUCK YOU!!!''he shouted back before he slammed the poor door of my apartment.

''we already did'', said my mind.

i couldnt stop my self smiling after he left. i dont know him but his personality makes me want to. i know, i'll find ways to meet him. someday.

to be continued...

*********************************************************************

this is a story i made last night, hope you like it. it's fiction

tahanan

lakad ako ng lakad.

di ko alam kung san ako dadalhin ng mga paa ko.

bakit ba ako lakad ng lakad? san ba ako papunta? di ba ako uuwi? di ko alam.

sa aking dinaanan, may maliwanag na sulok-sulok, luntian ang paligid, maraming mga bulaklak, masaya ang tanawin. maganda.

* mga birthdays ko, mga christmas, mga newyear, ang pamilya ko, mga minahal ko* ito ang mga naalala ko. nagbigay ito ng ngiti sa aking mga labi.

meron din naman akong nadaanang makitid. madilim. walang kulay. blanko.

naalala ko tuloy ang mga panahong lugmok ako sa problema. yung tipong ayoko nang bumangon pa. yung tipong mas gugustuhin ko pang umalis at di na lumingon.

***naranasan ko na lahat. magyosi, uminom ng sobra sobra, malasing, mag pot, umuwi ng 4am monday-sunday, sumama kahit kanino basta cute,haha, maubusan ng pera, maglayas, ubusin ang alahas ko, lahat lahat ng kabulastugan nagawa ko na***


****

ganun siguro talaga ang buhay, maglakad ka lang ng maglakad,
oo nakakapagod, masakit sa paa, nakakawala ng pag-asa at some point

pero go lang ng go.

lakad ka pa ng konti, konting hakbang pa at makikita mo na ang hinahanap mo.

 

yung magbibigay ng direksyon kung san ka patungo, yung magsasabing isang hakbang na lang

malay mo, baka tulad ko, makita mo na rin ang tahanan mo.

yung tipong ayaw mo na umalis, ayaw mo nang maglakwatsa, dahil higit pa dun ang kasiyahan at pagmamahal na maibibigay niya.

at siya ang magiging dahilan kung bakit gugustuhin mong maging mas mabuting tao

we find better people from better homes

****

belated happy 18th month baby. i want you to know that i'm happy knowing that in every journey of my life, i have you as my home. somebody i could run to everytime i have bad days and somebody i could be with in every championship i've won. i love you.

MY DARK PAST

It was somewhat dim and absolutely cold. Only those two yellow-lighted lamps lit the whole room. The room was big and so was the bed. I excused myself and went to the comfort room which by the way was almost ¼ as big as the room. It was my first time then to see a glass covered cr. It was elegant. It was daring. Anybody inside it couldn’t hide anything for it was transparent from the outside.  It also had a mirror covered wall.

I took my time. I took my contact lenses out of my eyes and started cleaning it with my lens solution. I, then washed my hair and soaped my body while the water for the shower kept pouring. My mind snapped and had started thinking about what to do with the situation. It was the first moment that i thought of things clearly despite the influence of alcohol.

I knew the moment i stepped out of the cr that i was up to something not right.

*****

I did not like him the first time i saw him. He was arrogant. He ignores me as if i wasn’t with him. He’s full of himself. However, i still made myself civil by smiling. We were with my boyfriend (my ex), and another friend of theirs. We had a few drinks over. Their other friend went home early leaving the three of us hailing a taxi. We went to the bar and started dancing for it was a Saturday night.

We drank a lot of beer-shits and being a person with less-tolerance with alcohol, i got very drunk. I looked at the ledge and i saw my lover dancing like hell. I was so drunk that i felt my face was very numb and very thick. Somebody from my back suddenly hugged me and as i opened my falling eyes, i saw him. i laid my head on his shoulder. I smelled his perfume which made me hug him back. He smelled nice. I stood up and found ourselves hugging each other. I smelled him over and over while we danced.  He was asking me if i was okay, if i was that drunk, if i wanted to drink more. i asked him to get me a bottle of vodka which he did.  While i was alone dancing somebody grabbed my arms and whispered ‘’ tope, you’re drunk already, he’s taking advantage of you’’, i realized, it was my lover.

Too drunk i just answered him back with a ‘’huh?’’. He got mad and headed to the dance floor again while his friend came back. He was back with my vodka and we kissed. It was strange. It was wrong but it felt so right. I didn’t like him a while ago, but that moment i guess i was starting to like what he was doing.



4am, and my lover approached me. He wants us to rest. He told me to ask DOT if he wants to come with us. We hailed a cab and went to a nearby INN.

*****

As i lay my body on the bed, i just couldn’t stop looking at his face. His eyes were closed but i knew he was awake. I kissed him and he kissed me back. I took a look at my boyfriend at the edge of the bed and found him sleeping. We went back with what we’re doing and after a few minutes, my boyfriend got up and joined us. THE THREE OF US DID IT.

*****

My boyfriend and i broke up a month after.
his friend and i got closer and we went out several times.
but he was still in love with his ex leaving what we have,hanging.
i then found out that my boyfriend likes him very much.

my boyfriend and i eneded up fighting and up to this moment he is still bitter with me.

the three of us ended apart. nobody got to have a relationship with anybody.

*****


i used to be very bad. i used to. good thing after everything, i learned.

good thing, i now have my von.

yung totoo...

nagkakilala kayo.

****

hiningi niya number mo at minsan naman ay ikaw ang humingi ng number niya. kadalasan, sa bar (pagkatapos niyong isayaw ang isa't-isa,yung tipong paalis ka na o paalis na sya), minsan sa cofee shop, (isusulat ng isa sa inyo yung number sa tissue), minsan naman, sa bathhouse, minsan din, sa internet magsasabihan kayo ng, ''ang cute mo, pahingi ng number?''.

****

pagnakuha na yung number ng isa't-isa, magtitext, puro pa smileys, puro hehehe, puro mwah o di kaya'y hugzz, kayo naman, sobrang kilig, super smile, super tingin sa cellphone baka nagreply na.

****

mag-yayaya ang isa sa inyo, magde-date kayo.

****

sa coffeeshop, sa bar, sa sinehan,

minsan kuntodo outfit ka, yun pala sa motel ka lang niya dadalhin.

****

magiging kayo after ng first date, minsan second date na, paminsan-minsan sa panahong ito, may third date pang palugit yung mga pa demure. pero kadalasan, first date talaga.

****

pagkayo na, ''mahal'', ''baby'', minsan ''babe'' sa mga sosyal.haha. yun yung kadalasang tawagan niyo.

****

magiging over protective, magiging seloso, mag-aaway, at ma-uuwi lahat sa sex. finally, magkakapatawaran na.

****

meron ding stage na nagkasawaan, mag-oopen relationship, minsan rason nalang yun. dahil pagsinabi niyang he wants an open relationship para di magkasawaan, to save the relationship etc etc, ang sinisigaw lang naman ng puso niya eh yung katotohanang, ''GUSTO NIYANG MAKIPAGSEX SA IBA''.

****

pag hindi nag work out, bye bye ang drama. yung lugi sa relationship, yun yung puro bitterness. yun yung super sabi na ''i wanna move-on'' pero yung totoo, iyak siya ng iyak sa kwarto niya bago matulog, minsan, inom ng inom, minsan sobrang lasing. at minsan suicidal siya.

****

meron din nagbe-break dahil may iba yung lover nila. kabit-kabitan yung drama nito.

susugurin yung kabit, mag-aaway sila, magtatalbugan, magsasapawan, MAGKARIBAL.
pero pipiliin ni lover yung kabit.
pagpinili niya naman yung una niyang lover, di din sila magtatagal dahil for sure, mauulit-ulit na naman yung scenario over and over again.

****

meron din namang magkakalayo sila kaya ayaw nang magcommit.

****

pag nag break na ang dalawang magsyota,

yung isa eh,

1. mag-iiyak, di matutulog kaka-isip, palaging absent sa school or work, gusto lang na nasa bahay siya, magkukulong sa kwarto, kakain ng sobrang dami- di kakain at all, tataba or mangangayayat, papangit, stressed, iritable.

2. ita-try makipagbalikan sa ex, gagawin lahat, tatawag or iti-txt ang ex kahit di sumasagot, in other word, ''martyr- martyran''

3. minsan masochista din ang drama, uupo sa kama, pwede ding hihiga, i-oon ang ipod, ipplay yung theme song nila nung ex niya, iiyak magdamag. yung tipong nasasaktan ka na nga, makikinig ka pa ng mga songs intended for the broken hearted people.

4. maghihiganti, pupunta sa mga occasion kung saan nandun ang ex, maghahanap ng panakip butas, ipapakita kay ex nanakapag move on na siya, pag-uwi sa bahay, ''iyak'' ang ending.

5. matatanggap na niya, makakakilala siya ng iba

6. magmamahal  na ng iba.
*******

pagnawala na naman yung lover mo sayo for the nth time, pag naulit na naman yung mga pangyayaring iniyakan mo,

wag ka nang magtaka, dahil walang duda, na sayo ang problema.


''siguraduhing mahal niyo ang isa't-isa, dahil kahit bagyo pa o tadhana ang hahadlang, pagmamahal niyo lamang ang tangi niyong magiging bala''

i should know, dahil itong lahat ay napagdaanan ko na.(nagmamarunong mode)

hindi madali, katunayan masakit, but i know better now. i'm wiser. i'm toffer tougher. and i'm in love with....

vonior