Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I was awakened by the flashes of lights that slipped through the bus’s window.
I was riding the bus and was on my way home that night from visiting VON.
Without nothing to do and nobody to talk to, i caught myself staring at the window.
Places that were passed by the bus were already dark by then because the bus left the terminal at 6pm that afternoon.
The ac of the bus was so cold that I’ve had to rub my hands to produce heat despite the jacket that i’ve worn.
This wasn’t the first time that i went there. I travel almost 2-3 hours just to see him once or twice a month, for the past 15 months.
It’s a lil bit tiring but the travel somehow gives me the opportunity to reflect and realize things.
Without anything to do, i stared out the window. I saw how the places i passed through that same morning became dull. Only the streetlights lit em up a lil bit.
The setting inside the bus and the scenery outside made me feel gloomy.
I got emotional as the memories from the past suddenly rushed in my mind.
When i was just 16, i ran away from home for the first time and went to my lola at Iloilo city and stayed there for a week.
When i was 17, after having family issues/problems and having the need to visit paolo who was my ex, i , again ran away from home. I stayed in my friend’s apartment while i waited for Monday to see my ex. Monday came and i went to my ex’s boarding house to pay him a visit. He wasn’t there so i went inside his room and waited for him there. He arrived 10pm that evening and yelled at me. He quarrelled and he confessed to me that he wants a break-up. He doesn’t love me anymore, he said. I was hurt by the fact that he has to tell me those things in front of his best friend. Being a martyr myself, i still wanted to be with him over night despite the total humiliation and hurt i got from him. So i begged for him to let me stay even just for one night. But he just turned back from me and told me that he wants me to pack my clothes and be done packing before he comes back. That’s what i did after realizing that it was stupid of me to do things like that. he drove me back to my friend’s apartment that night and left me with an apology and a hug. I was fuckin crying my heart out. It was one of the most unforgettable heartbreaks i’ve ever had.
When i was already 18, guess what? I, again, ran away from home. i just don’t find appreciation there. I stayed at my biological parents and opted to stop my studies and find myself. I caught myself riding a bus again, going to Iloilo city just again. I stayed at dee’s (my ex also) friend’s house, i rented a room and with my 6 months of stay there, i screwed up my relationship with dee, found myself very promiscuous,had my weekend nights spent drinking in bars, partyin and getting taken home by strangers, well, cute strangers i get to flirt with those drunken nights., went through heaven and hell by being independent and money-less, and found myself inlove again, with VON.
After all of these experiences and running away from home, i realized that there are similarities.
All these phases ended up with me having to ride the same bus line and the time would actually be at the evening.
Dark surroundings outside the bus, the coldness of the ac, the dim lighting inside it, and the deep thinking after each journey.
And lastly, that same bus would actually head me home. BACK AT HOME.
Then, the surrounding already lits up. The bus’s lights were turned on, the bus stops.
And just before i step out of the bus, i realized one more thing that i should be thankful of, that i went home that night w/o any problem that would haunt me before i sleep. Not like those dark days.
And now, home wouldn’t have to be my last option.
P.s. i know that you may not be able to see this post ,but let me say thank you for teaching me the right things, thanks for searching for me, thanks for treating me as your baby even if im already old. ‘’sabi nga ni mama, kahit patayin pa kita, patatawarin moi parin ako dahil ganun mo ako kamahal’’. Thanks for respecting my decisions, thanks for the understanding, thanks for the acceptance, for the financial support and for the unconditional love despite the fact that you’re not my biological dad. Papa, i love you, and just before my journey succeeds, i’ll take you with me, and i’ll build you home of yours.
to mama, i’d like to think that at the end of everything, our hearts would eventually heal and find love to each other again, it’s not impossible because for almost 15 years of my existence, you were who i thought, my mom. I’ve had my share of failures and mistakes before, and so did you, therefore, I’m sorry. I may deny to other people that i love you, but i guess that i would also have to prove that to myself, because deep in me, i know, you are a part of what i am today, and , I love you.
To my biological family, no words could ever express my gratitude to you. You were always there for me, I’ve always had you backs, you always loved me despite my lack of knowledge about who my real identity is. You were there to support me even though, for 15yrs of my life, it hot of you as my aunt or uncle and cousins. I love you and you’ll always be the reason why i chose to be in the right path.
To my VONNIE, we both have our own homes and i know that somewhere in the future, we will build our own home. thanks for everything, for being very understanding every time i hurt you, for being my katropa, for being my mentor, for guiding me, for keeping our relationship worthy, and for giving me your heart as my SECOND HOME . i love you and cricxy.
Posted by toffer at 4:56 AM