Sunday, July 4, 2010



You left me. And just when i started to live independently in this place strange to me, you wanted to have me back?
I just wanted you to be independent, how will you be able to learn if you’re that dependent on me? He reasons out.
Be with me again now, or never. D continues.
I was just 17 back when we met.
I was a 2nd yr. Student nurse and he was a freshman taking up mass communication in a city 2 hours from the city where i reside.
D and i actually exchanged numbers after weeks of having been single from P.
One thing common from the relationship I’ve had with P and D was it all began online. In a site where i believe almost ( if not all) metro gays would hang out virtually seeking for partners, lovers, friends? And hook-ups.
He messaged me for my number and i gave it to him. U see, i thought he was cute. He was very charming in those pictures posted in his account.
What i really do know, that inside of me, i knew, he would just simply be a rebound if fate allows us to have a relationship.
And yes, after a week of exchanging txt messages, a week of calling, a week of seeing each other thru video calls via ym, we made it official, we became lovers.
After a month then, i found myself waiting for him in the terminal. We met personally. I was a bit disappointed though that he wasn’t that tall, and actually, he was just around 5’0’’. But i guess being someone who wants to move on from a very heartbreaking relationship, i still accepted him. Hoping that he would, well, help me into a process called, HEALING and MOVING ON.
I know. I know. It’s actually selfish of me to use somebody. But on the other hand, there were some instances when i actually thought of possible things that might happen along the relationship.
One for instance is, FALLING IN LOVE.
 When you left me, you left me all alone. You told me you needed time, you took all the time you want not even checking on me, not even asking me if I’m still alive and now you wanted me back? And this instant, huh? I argued.
Friends were telling us to stop it but he was really drunk to listen. He was even crying,  talking about things unrelated to the topic.
One thing i learned with this was not to be clingy.
 To be self dependent.
To trust my security, only with myself.
 I’ve had to be tough. I’ve had to survive in this place, alone when I’ve just stayed here for 4 months. I’ve had to ride the jeep alone, without knowing it’s routes. I continued.

It’s somehow petty, i know right. But having been used to a small city where everything is just at the corners, having been raised as an only son in the family, having my yaya on my side anytime of the day, getting what i wanted at all times, having a driver to fetch me and to drive me anywhere i wanted to go. It’s actually hard. Hard that tears used to fall from both cheeks of mine every time i reflected.
The biggest downfall we’ve had in our relationship was when i was very much disappointed with my life, my family, my status. And being a teenager myself, i wanted myself to have space and time. I moved-out and found independency.
Things went out fine but along the way i found myself struggling, for the financial problems, started to pour.
I was, at those times, one of those whom people would tag as ‘’out of school youth’’ and so was he.
What’s devastating more was when we’ve decided to make the relationship open.
Being not able to withstand the test of faithfulness, we broke up.
 He broke up with me. He said he loved me but then, he wants me to learn. Not to be clingy. Not to be too much dependent on other people.
He wants me to find myself. He wants me to have the time and space to realize who i wanted to end up with.
He wants to do the same with himself too.
But because i found it hard, i waited and waited for him to come back, but he didn’t.
Then, came the time that i forgot that I’m waiting.
Forgot that I should be waiting.

The young me, the very much SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE ME, dated and flirted with other PLU’s.
Being strong, I found myself learning how to live in a big city like that.
How to ride the jeep. How to get here and there. How to survive. Alone.
Being promiscuous and being able to handle my own life, i started up going out with friends (friends of his actually), the hanging out with his PLU friends, partying with this one PLU MODEL friend of his and MAKING OUT with this same friend.
That same friend, the MODEL PLU friend, dated me, made me meet his friends and accompanied me every time he’s free. (i will post this phase of my life in another post.)
And just when i could actually stand on my own, he came back.
In this bar crowded by PLU’s, i met him once again.
Being with his barkada, i couldn’t actually protest of him joining us.
We talked about us. We argued. But we ended up hugging each other.

He asked, ‘’until when?’’
I don’t know, i said. i really don’t know.  Thus, I’m not that sure if i still love him or if i really did in the first place.
Is there somebody else? He uttered with a tear.
I don’t know. I don’t know if i love him, moreover, i don’t know if he loves me.
But i moved on...i moved on from P. That’s for sure. Thank you so much. With you i learned. With you i moved on.
It’s just that for so much time that had gotten out of me, i forgot that i was waiting for you. I forgot that i was waiting for myself to move on from my past relationship. I forgot the essence of WAITING. The reason for WAITING.

CRUEL yet HONEST.  I’m sorry.

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