Saturday, July 31, 2010

muntik na...

nung march 20ish eh dumating yung pinsan ko from davao. wala syang magawa sa pera nia kaya yun, nagpasama samin papuntang bora. super excited ako nun kaya ang laki nung bag na dala ko, 2 days lang naman pala kami. haha. bale apat kami, ako, si pinsan from davao (demci), si pinsan from iloilo(tin) tsaka yung friend ni pinsan from iloilo(carol)...

ay shempre enjoy na enjoy kami dun, tsaka dami talagang topless na boys. pinicturan nga ni tin yung mga type nia eh...



eto si boy from us, half mexican and half pinoy..

edi nagpatatoo ako, shet, nakonsensya ako kasi sabi ko sa baby ko overnight lang..liar ako i know, but nahihiya lang akong magpaalam kase di naman sya gumagala..kaya ayun, nagpatatoo ako,


weed tsaka yung name niya.. bakit?kase parang weed xa, nakakaadik...

nung gumabi na, natulog muna kami sa hotel room at gumising after like 3 hours, para fresh.. party ang drama..hahaha

una naming nakita?

crush toh ni demci..animalistic baga...haha

tropa niya..OPO, PLU sila...


ako at si carol..ganda niya noh?LOL mabenta siya sa mga kano...


ang mayamang bakla..bow...at kami ni carol...


ang babaeng bakla...lasing na lasing at eto yung pinag gagawa nia..

nakipag feeling close sa mga koreana, niloko sila ni cuzin,haha

opo, siya po yung halfmexican half pinoy guy sa taas..hinanap talaga namin at nagpapic si insan...

sa sobrang yaman ng pinsan kong bakla, siya yung nagtakehome kay guy..galit na galit si tin..punyeta daw...

kaya eto, kay half german half pinoy nalang siya..hahaha

eto ako..umupo nlang sa corner...di ako naglandi...

PRAMIS..

mahal ko kasi si von, mahal na mahal...tang-ina corny...haha



muntik na?
muntik na kaming magbreak ni von after niya magtxt ke mama at nalaman niya nandun parin ako sa bora..mga nanay talaga..hmpff..

pag-uwi ko nung bahay natulog ako at pagdating nung umaga, trip to iloilo ulet, nagsorry...nagkiss and make up...
nag sexy time kami...

nag bati naman kaya...

salamat, sigh, muntik na yun ah.. 

Friday, July 30, 2010

ulan

di ko sya nasilayan
at ngayo'y nakabalik na sha,
ako'y masayang masaya,
himihikbi-hikbi pa

naglaro kami, at ako'y nabasa,
basang-basa, ngunit saya ang nilikha,
alam ko na ngayon ay matatagalan bago sya umalis ulit,
parati ko syang makikita

sa bawat haplos nia, tila ba ako'y minamasahe,
buong katawan ko,pati loob ko di rin mapakali,
ay sabay ng yakap niya, ako'y humikbi
sa bisig niya, tila ba di mapapansin ang aking luha


wala lang, naligo lang ako sa ulan..hihihi..parang tanga lang...

Thursday, July 29, 2010

EXCITED AKO..

lumaki kaming close
buwan lang ang agwat ng aming mga edad
nung mga bata kami, sabay kami kung maligo,
sabay kami matulog,
sabay kami kung maglakwatsa, maglaro at kumain

nag aaway din kami tulad ng ibang mga bata,
pero bago matulog, maglalaro kami at bati na kami agad.

laking tate sya, laking pinas ako
ngunit parang mas pilipino pa sya sa akin.

ilang taon narin nung huli kaming magkita,
highschool pa ata ako nun at walang alam sa mundo,
sa bahay pa sya natulog nung last night nila.

ilang years din kaming walang contact,
buti nalang may facebook sya,
kaya nagme-msg ako sa kanya paminsan-minsan,
dun kami nagkaka usap-usap.

kaya ngayon, super excited ako,
ilang araw nalang, magkakasama-sama na naman ulit kami.



onga pala...PINSAN KO...hahaha..:)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

love and fat

this is a quick post.

''bakit kaya whenever im in a relationship, i get fat?


these were some of my pictures 2 years ago...



i was very skinny noon pero ng nainlab na naman ako at naging kami ni vonnie,



eto ako ngayon...

FATLY IN LOVE...

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

home


I was awakened by the flashes of lights that slipped through the bus’s window.

I was riding the bus and was on my way home that night from visiting VON.

Without nothing to do and nobody to talk to, i caught myself staring at the window.

Places that were passed by the bus were already dark by then because the bus left the terminal at 6pm that afternoon.

The ac of the bus was so cold that I’ve had to rub my hands to produce heat despite the jacket that i’ve worn.

This wasn’t the first time that i went there. I travel almost 2-3 hours just to see him once or twice a month, for the past 15 months.

It’s a lil bit tiring but the travel somehow gives me the opportunity to reflect and realize things.

Without anything to do, i stared out the window. I saw how the places i passed through that same morning became dull. Only the streetlights lit em up a lil bit.

The setting inside the bus and the scenery outside made me feel gloomy.

I got emotional as the memories from the past suddenly rushed in my mind.

When i was just 16, i ran away from home for the first time and went to my lola at Iloilo city and stayed there for a week.


When i was 17, after having family issues/problems and having the need to visit paolo who was my ex, i , again ran away from home. I stayed in my friend’s apartment while i waited for Monday to see my ex. Monday came and i went to my ex’s boarding house to pay him a visit. He wasn’t there so i went inside his room and waited for him there. He arrived 10pm that evening and yelled at me. He quarrelled and he confessed to me that he wants a break-up. He doesn’t love me anymore, he said. I was hurt by the fact that he has to tell me those things in front of his best friend. Being a martyr myself, i still wanted to be with him over night despite the total humiliation and hurt i got from him. So i begged for him to let me stay even just for one night. But he just turned back from me and told me that he wants me to pack my clothes and be done packing before he comes back. That’s what i did after realizing that it was stupid of me to do things like that. he drove me back to my friend’s apartment that night and left me with an apology and a hug. I was fuckin crying my heart out. It was one of the most unforgettable heartbreaks i’ve ever had.


When i was already 18, guess what? I, again, ran away from home. i just don’t find appreciation there. I stayed at my biological parents and opted to stop my studies and find myself. I caught myself riding a bus again, going to Iloilo city just again. I stayed at dee’s (my ex also) friend’s house, i rented a room and with  my 6 months of stay there, i screwed up my relationship with dee, found myself very promiscuous,had my weekend nights spent drinking in bars, partyin and getting taken home by strangers, well, cute strangers i get to flirt with those drunken nights., went through heaven and hell by being independent and money-less, and found myself inlove again, with VON.


After all of these experiences and running away from home, i realized that there are similarities.

All these phases ended up with me having to ride the same bus line and the time would actually be at the evening.

Dark surroundings outside the bus, the coldness of the ac, the dim lighting inside it, and the deep thinking after each journey.


And lastly, that same bus would actually head me home. BACK AT HOME.


Then, the surrounding already lits up. The bus’s lights were turned on, the bus stops.

And just before i step out of the bus, i realized one more thing that i should be thankful of, that i went home that night w/o any problem that would haunt me before i sleep. Not like those dark days.


And now, home wouldn’t have to be my last option.


P.s. i know that you may not be able to see this post ,but let me say thank you for teaching me the right things, thanks for searching for me, thanks for treating me as your baby even if im already old. ‘’sabi nga ni mama, kahit patayin pa kita, patatawarin moi parin ako dahil ganun mo ako kamahal’’. Thanks for respecting my decisions, thanks for the understanding, thanks for the acceptance, for the financial support and for the unconditional love despite the fact that you’re not my biological dad. Papa, i love you, and just before my journey succeeds, i’ll take you with me, and i’ll build you home of yours.


to mama, i’d like to think that at the end of everything, our hearts would eventually heal and find love to each other again, it’s not impossible because for almost 15 years of my existence, you were who i thought, my mom. I’ve had my share of failures and mistakes before, and so did you, therefore, I’m sorry. I may deny to other people that i love you, but i guess that i would also have to prove that to myself, because deep in me, i know, you are a part of what i am today, and , I love you.


To my biological family, no words could ever express my gratitude to you. You were always there for me, I’ve always had you backs, you always loved me despite my lack of knowledge about who my real identity is. You were there to support me even though, for 15yrs of my life, it hot of you as my aunt or uncle and cousins. I love you and you’ll always be the reason why i chose to be in the right path.


To my VONNIE, we both have our own homes and i know that somewhere in the future, we will build our own home. thanks for everything, for being very understanding every time i hurt you, for being my katropa, for being my mentor, for guiding me, for keeping our relationship worthy, and for giving me your heart as my SECOND HOME  . i love you and cricxy.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

''I'VE DONE MY SHARE ON PLAYIN GAMES BUT FOR YOU I'VE GIVEN UP THAT LIFE''

i used to be a very promiscuous  person. i started out from having virtual relationships and ended up having real-time relationships. may i be taken or not, i still do loads of curricular activities with people i usually meet in bars or online. and i just usually end up screwing the relationship with my past lovers.

they loved me, no question about it. it's just that when you're somebody in love with a PROMISCUOUS PARTNER who actually in return, loves you too, you get jaded , you get to live by this fuckin motto that says, ''you do sex, with other people, he does sex with other people also, but as long as he goes home at the end of the day, it's okay''.

soon enough i got to see things that way, and found it fun.
more party more sex. haha.

i was young. i was vulnerable. i was  outgoing, very outgoing. i was horny.

there was even this one time that i thought of writing the names of my ex's and the people i've hooked up in the past but i just found it hard to remember. they were too many. i cant remember the names of some of them, not even their faces.

diff shapes, diff sizes, diff colors, diff faces that i've met in different places.

we all somehow got into this sitch in some phases of our lives and the thought of having somebody to love seriously and to be in a relationship with somebody we dont meet in bars actually sets in our once lustful minds.

when we find love and it hits us,if hits us real hard, we change.
we see things in a different light.
you think of future plans for you, for him and for the both of you.

WE THINK OF CHANGE. WE THINK OF TRUE LOVE. WE THINK OF HIM.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

KINSE



our relationship started with a lot of problems.

he was stuck with his ex by that time that we officially call ourselves lovers.

it was hard to be a number two.

along with that problem was his parents didn't like me at all.

i was an out-of-school-youth.
layas-anak ako.
walang trabaho.
walang pera.

i cant just blame them because i really was inferior compared to his ex.

his ex has a job.
malaki ang sweldo.
mature enough to know whats right from wrong.

but i knew he was never that perfect. i knew that i was much more deserving of von's love more than him.


''PAGMAMAHAL KO LANG TALAGA SA KANYA ANG TANGING NAGING BALA KO''
right then and there i knew i had to be the best me to prove them all wrong.

to prove to them that i am deserving of their only son.

most of all?i have to prove to him that i am very much deserving of his LOVE.

he never had the courage to break-up with his ex.
there were several attempts but none of them succeeded. he was bi-polar and the last thing he did was scandalize him in public.

one evening, i couldn't take it anymore and gathered my guts to tell him frankly that he has to end it by that moment.

he knew how i cried a river because of that. because i'm just number two.

so he did it. he broke up with him over the phone. he agreed because i guess he knew that Von doesn't love him anymore. he hurt him a lot of time already. love faded.


after a month, his parents became dormant of their protest against our relationship after several times of visiting them. dormant but just okay. hindi yung tipong boto na sila sa akin.

i went home after several months of staying in iloilo.
i studied.
i made myself better.
i begun to want improvement.
and i found betterment.


it was several weeks after i went home when i decided to pay Von a visit.

i had to ask permission to his mom if he could stay with me in the hotel room where i was staying by that time, and i succeeded. his mom agreed.

by that time, i knew that what i did was right. what i did payed-off. having his mom permit him to be with me overnight was an accomplishment.

alam ko nung oras na yun, gusto na nila ako. abot tenga kaya yung ngiti ni mama.hahaha.

dun nagsimula ang pagtanggap nila sa relasyon namin ni Von.

naging masaya kami after nun. those two problems were one of the greatest trial in our relationship.

ika nga we were against all odds but we succeeded..


we were 3 hours from each other but we kept it up.
it made us stronger.
it made us love each other more.

mas masarap palang magsexy time kung sabik na sabik kayo sa isa'y-isa noh?hahaha

spark and connection equals love.

love equals me and him.

marami pa kaming napagdaanan. muntik pa kaming magbreak. pero dahil mahal namin ang isa't-isa hindi namin pinahintulutang umabot dun.

we made it through the rain, we even made it through the storm-like problems but the most important thing is WE MADE IT THROUGH.

IT MADE US STRONGER.


marimi pa tayong pagdadaanan but im very sure na malalagpasan natin lahat ng iyon. LOVE WILL BE OUR KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR.

12:30 NA. JULY 12,2010. MONDAY. 15 MONTHS NA KAMI.HAPPY MONTHSARY BABY.

BABY? U HEARD THIS A THOUSAND TIMES ALREADY,BUT THESE WORDS ARE THE ONLY WORDS THAT BEST SPEAKS ABOUT WHAT I FEEL FOR YOU.


''I LOVE YOU''.

''some ways are diffrent but together we're so right. this is us, this is us, and this is how we love''



ito nga pala ang baby namin..c cricxy...

 
we love you baby cricxy,...:)

UNANG PAGKIKITA pt2

                                    bunny ears and porkypig


 
paggising na paggising ko itinext ko siya.

nagpalitan kami ng txt msgs.

masayang masaya ako nung araw na yun.

ninaya ko syang mamasyal at manood ng sine at napagkasunduan na sa sunday na kami magkikita.

at dumating na nga ang araw na yun..sunday, April 12,2009.

nagkakape kami ng friend ko ng dumating siya.

nagdouble date kami kase kasama din ng frnd ko yung bf nia.

ayun. pasok sa moviehouse. upo sa likuran. nood.

napansin kong napakatahimik niya.

gusto ko sanang hawakan ang kamay nia kaso nahihiya ako.

isang oras na kaming walang kibuan, nang....

napansin kong dinidikit niya ang mukha nya sa mukha ko.

takbooooooo...sigaw ni maricel soriano.

dinikit nia na this time yung kamay niya sa kamay ko.

sya na yung nag initiate kaya i took the courage to hold his hand this time.

ang lambot.

yun pala yung sinasabi nilang biglang titigil ang mundo mo. with matching angels na magpapakita sayo.

at ramdam ko rin pagtibok ng puso ko.

ang sabi'y,''lub-dubb lub-dubb lubb-lubb dubb-dubb''
in the tune of MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW.

tumigil ang mundo ko, at pag tingin ko sa kanya, nagmukha syang anghel. angel of mine nga sabi ni monica eh.

after the movie, umuwi na si friend.

kami ni vonnie, yun, hhww parin. parang may glue na ang mga kamay. walang pakialam sa mundo.

nagkape kami for snacks and we ate dinner together.

ito pa, linibre nia ako. hahaha.. mukhang pera ako i know.

hinatid ko sya sa ''SAKAYAN NG JEEP''.

befor sya makasakay, humingi ako ng HUGG..binigay niya naman kaya ayun..ngiting ngiti ako..i was the happiest  person that moment. that second. that hour.


 pumunta ako netcafe at hinintay syang magonline..

to make the story short. with that conversation sa chat. naging kami na. officially kami na.

lumundag nga ako sa tuwa paglabas ng cafe.

pa hum hum pa ng kantang together
ni ne-yo.

''im gonna be the love that's gonna last''. sabi ko pa

APRIL 12, 2010, SUNDAY, AROUND 10:30- 11:30PM. kami na..

hindi na tope at von.

hindi na me and him.

US or WE na..
ours pa nga eh.


--------------------------------------------------------

after 2 weeks, iniwan nia ang lover nia, LDR sila.

alam ko uuwi din ako sa hometown ko para mag-aral, a few months from then, what we have will soon be like what they had, an LDR.

pero we built that certain bond. that certain trust. that certain foundation. and that certain LOVE. that would make us endure everything.

alam kong magsasama din kami at di na patutugtugin someday ang ''LONGDISTANCE ni brandy'', and when that time comes, magiging sobrang saya ko..


after 15 months, kami pa rin.

getting stronger in each other's arms.

GROWING AS PERSONS TOGETHER.

and LOVING EACH OTHER day after day after day...


''It's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe we can make it through anything
'Cause when it all comes down
And I'm feeling like I'll never last
I just lean on you 'cause baby
You're my better half''



alam ko nung puntong iyon na hindi yun ang katapusan.

hindi pa yun ang sinasabi ng ilang ''they live happily ever after''

yun palang ang ''start of our journey''

yun na yun pa lang ang start of OUR LOVE STORY.

the start of the best lovestory that's going to be witnessed by earth


bago ko malimutan. i wanna greet him. 12 na ilang oras from now eh.

baby?happy happy 15th month...

i love you i love you i love you from the bottom of my heart.

hindi man ako mayaman.
hindi man ako perpekto.
pinapaiyak kita minsan.
gago nga ako.
gwapo nga lang.

di ko alam kung anong nakita mo sakin.
pero alam kong mahal na mahal mo ako.
maging ano paman.
sino paman.
ako ang laging na saiyong isipan.
 salamat ng marami.

''i will take you forever''.

ikaw ang betterhalf ko.
ikaw ang bunny ears ko.
ikaw ang kittycat ko.
ikaw ang lahat sa akin.
 

Saturday, July 10, 2010

UNANG PAGKIKITA pt.1




Akoy’y nakatanggap ng msg mula sa kanyang g4m acc.

Wala sigurong maisip na topic, bigla nyang itinanong kung lover ko nga ba si D.

Dahil break na kami ni D noon, sinabi kong hindi na at hiningi ko ang number niya.

May lover daw sya.

Pinilit ko ng pinilit hanggang ibigay nya.

Baket? Cute kasi sya,,,,

0918********** at isinave ko sa pangalang
’CUTE G4M’’
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Holy  Friday noong araw nay un. April 10, 2009.

Pumunta ako sa bahay ng friend ko para umattend ng procession.

Naghahanda na kaming lumabas ng bahay ng friend ko nang ako'y itinext nya.

Nagyaya syang mag meet-up. Wala daw syang kasama.

Tamang-tama naman dahil we were at the same place.

Pag-simula ng prosisyon, para akong giraffe na humahaba yung leeg kakahanap sa kanya.

‘’Nasa tapat kami ng water station’’. Text nya.

Ayun..nakita ko rin sya sa wakas. Uy... cute sya...

Mataas, maputi, mejo singkit, tsaka medjo malaman pero di naman mataba.

Naka-jackpot ako. Sabi ko sabay ngiting aso. Hehe.

yun talaga ang gusto ko, mukhang baby, amoy baby.
Di kami nagsabay sa prosisyon ngunit nagkasundo kaming magkita after eating dinner.

Nagkita kami at nagkape. Kwento kwento.

Umalis na nag friend ko. Iniwan kaming dalawa.

Ayun, we ended up sa plaza sa tapat ng church. Kwentuhan pa rin pero maraming bagay bagay ang pumapasok sa utak ko.

In a relationship daw kasi sya, di niya maiwan-iwan lover nya kase bi-polar daw.

Ang hirap, gusto ko pa naman syang ligawan.

Alam ko, din a uso yun. Sanay nga akong after meet up eh sex. Pero i know, iba sya..di sya katulad ng kadalasan kong nameet sa g4m.


Sumasagi rin sa isip ko ang mga kalaswaan pero pinigilan ko... shit kasi eh. Nakakalibog sya.. promise..hahahahah

Natapos ang gabi at marami kaming napagkwentuhan. Pero iba pakiramdam ko.
‘’IT’S A START OF SOMETHING NEW’’   

Nakauwi na ako at nagtxt pa kami bago matulog.

3am na kami natulong nun.

After praying, pinikit ko ang aking mga mata.

Mukha niya parin ang aking nakikita.

 


At  ang nakakagulat pa, MAY BONUS BACKGROUND MUSIC PA...

‘’MAYBE IT’S YOU, MAYBE IT’S YOU, I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL OF MY LIFE’’
may karugtong...

Friday, July 9, 2010


What are the 10 things i can’t live without?

1. My Acer Extensa 4630Z w/c I bought with my own savings 8 months ago. ( this is my first ever laptop. i love the crystal eye camera. I love it's being user friendly and I love it coz it has been somewhat a medium of communication for the LDR i have with von right now. ah... before i forget, i watch my porn DVD’s using this) i lavet!!!

2. My Nokia e63 cell phone w/c I also bought 8 months ago and with my own saving too. ( i loved it because its design is kind of similar to a blackberry phone. ) Looks posh by the way. but too sad coz just after 3 weeks of buying it, it's price decreased from 12,600 to 11,900php. now, it's being sold for only 10 thousand php.

3. my closet full of shirts and panporma stuffs. (usually bought from malls, i designed some of it and let the friendly-taylor-kapitbahay sew it for me.haha. some were gifts from my mom and some were from vonnie )

4. My ATM card. (just realized that diamonds are forever and money isn’t. haha) had myself opened a savings account for future use and also for emergency.)

5. My derma products to keep signs of stress at bay. (with me being insomniac, i guess this kit is really a must-have and is of big help.  I find it effective although sometimes it doesn’t work with too much no-sleeping-routine.)

6. Those 3 stuffed toys, Vonnie gave me. They mean a lot to me. Every time i see them, I think of von and those childlike moments we’ve had.

7.  My shoes. ( they go with the outfits i’ve got ) 2 pairs of old navy vans-design, 2 pairs of high cut Nike dunks, a pair of a low-cut rubber boots, and a pair of pointed leather chuck taylor- designed shoes.) I love em. hahaha

8.  My dad. (I love him so so much) I’m lucky to have him as my dad. A good provider, a good barkada, a good consintidor, and he loves me as who i am and who i might become.)the best dad in the world.

9. VONNIE. My first ever lover who lead me to the right path in my once rocky life. He loved me all the way. Th only person who i loved this much.

10. PAPA GOD. Amen. I wouldn’t have all these if it weren’t to him. I love papa god. My creator. My commander. My father.
 Walang maipost. Haha.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

the one im with..

YOU ARE THE ONE
THE ONLY ONE
THAT I DESIRE
WHEN WE TOUCH
WHEN WE'RE ONE
YOU LIGHT THE FIRE

EACH DAY WITH YOU BECOMES A VALENTINE...:)

BABY, I LOVE YOU...

he's the one i want to be with for the rest of my life.

i see ourselves sitting on our wheelchairs..mine's colored blue,his is going to be pink(his fave color).
hands are locked.
looking in the sky.
counting the stars together with our last breaths.
his head over my shoulders as we doze off and sline the colorful rainbow.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

eto siya dati,
at eto na siya ngayon.

siya ang aking pinsan.

simala pagkabata ang napabayaan sa kusina.

pinagtawanan. kinutya. inalipusta.

bukod sa sobrang katabaan ay hindi maipagkakaila na isa siyang ylmaz BEKTAZ.

mahrahil dito ay nagpasya siyang ibahin ang kanyang lifestyle.

di lamang para makapag bingwit ng bagong bf. subalit, ngunit at datap'wat maiwasan rin ang mga magiging problema niya sa health.
ganun siguro ang tao.

tatapakan. ito'y lalaban.

ito rin ang isa sa mga hilig niya.


baklang-bakla ngunit artistic diba?hahaha

Sunday, July 4, 2010

ONE OF THEM.

‘’I HAVE WAITED SO LONG FOR YOU TO BE BACK AGAIN,GUIDING ME, TEACHING ME, MAKING ME FEEL LOVED, BUT I WAITED SO LONG THAT I FORGOT  WHO AND WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR . THEN CAME THE TIME WHEN I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT IM WAITING.’’


You left me. And just when i started to live independently in this place strange to me, you wanted to have me back?
I just wanted you to be independent, how will you be able to learn if you’re that dependent on me? He reasons out.
Be with me again now, or never. D continues.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was just 17 back when we met.
I was a 2nd yr. Student nurse and he was a freshman taking up mass communication in a city 2 hours from the city where i reside.
D and i actually exchanged numbers after weeks of having been single from P.
One thing common from the relationship I’ve had with P and D was it all began online. In a site where i believe almost ( if not all) metro gays would hang out virtually seeking for partners, lovers, friends? And hook-ups.
He messaged me for my number and i gave it to him. U see, i thought he was cute. He was very charming in those pictures posted in his account.
What i really do know, that inside of me, i knew, he would just simply be a rebound if fate allows us to have a relationship.
And yes, after a week of exchanging txt messages, a week of calling, a week of seeing each other thru video calls via ym, we made it official, we became lovers.
After a month then, i found myself waiting for him in the terminal. We met personally. I was a bit disappointed though that he wasn’t that tall, and actually, he was just around 5’0’’. But i guess being someone who wants to move on from a very heartbreaking relationship, i still accepted him. Hoping that he would, well, help me into a process called, HEALING and MOVING ON.
I know. I know. It’s actually selfish of me to use somebody. But on the other hand, there were some instances when i actually thought of possible things that might happen along the relationship.
One for instance is, FALLING IN LOVE.
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 When you left me, you left me all alone. You told me you needed time, you took all the time you want not even checking on me, not even asking me if I’m still alive and now you wanted me back? And this instant, huh? I argued.
Friends were telling us to stop it but he was really drunk to listen. He was even crying,  talking about things unrelated to the topic.
One thing i learned with this was not to be clingy.
 To be self dependent.
To trust my security, only with myself.
 I’ve had to be tough. I’ve had to survive in this place, alone when I’ve just stayed here for 4 months. I’ve had to ride the jeep alone, without knowing it’s routes. I continued.

It’s somehow petty, i know right. But having been used to a small city where everything is just at the corners, having been raised as an only son in the family, having my yaya on my side anytime of the day, getting what i wanted at all times, having a driver to fetch me and to drive me anywhere i wanted to go. It’s actually hard. Hard that tears used to fall from both cheeks of mine every time i reflected.
The biggest downfall we’ve had in our relationship was when i was very much disappointed with my life, my family, my status. And being a teenager myself, i wanted myself to have space and time. I moved-out and found independency.
Things went out fine but along the way i found myself struggling, for the financial problems, started to pour.
I was, at those times, one of those whom people would tag as ‘’out of school youth’’ and so was he.
What’s devastating more was when we’ve decided to make the relationship open.
Being not able to withstand the test of faithfulness, we broke up.
 He broke up with me. He said he loved me but then, he wants me to learn. Not to be clingy. Not to be too much dependent on other people.
He wants me to find myself. He wants me to have the time and space to realize who i wanted to end up with.
He wants to do the same with himself too.
But because i found it hard, i waited and waited for him to come back, but he didn’t.
Then, came the time that i forgot that I’m waiting.
Forgot that I should be waiting.

The young me, the very much SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE ME, dated and flirted with other PLU’s.
Being strong, I found myself learning how to live in a big city like that.
How to ride the jeep. How to get here and there. How to survive. Alone.
Being promiscuous and being able to handle my own life, i started up going out with friends (friends of his actually), the hanging out with his PLU friends, partying with this one PLU MODEL friend of his and MAKING OUT with this same friend.
That same friend, the MODEL PLU friend, dated me, made me meet his friends and accompanied me every time he’s free. (i will post this phase of my life in another post.)
And just when i could actually stand on my own, he came back.
In this bar crowded by PLU’s, i met him once again.
Being with his barkada, i couldn’t actually protest of him joining us.
We talked about us. We argued. But we ended up hugging each other.

He asked, ‘’until when?’’
I don’t know, i said. i really don’t know.  Thus, I’m not that sure if i still love him or if i really did in the first place.
Is there somebody else? He uttered with a tear.
I don’t know. I don’t know if i love him, moreover, i don’t know if he loves me.
But i moved on...i moved on from P. That’s for sure. Thank you so much. With you i learned. With you i moved on.
It’s just that for so much time that had gotten out of me, i forgot that i was waiting for you. I forgot that i was waiting for myself to move on from my past relationship. I forgot the essence of WAITING. The reason for WAITING.

CRUEL yet HONEST.  I’m sorry.

this is real. this is me.

1.    This is the very first blog of mine so please be considerate enough not to bash me if there’s anything stupid in this blog. As much as possible, please act educated enough to raise a suggestion or opinion if you find anything disturbing, written in this blog.

2.    I would like this blog to serve as an online diary and perhaps help me enhance my writing skills.

3.    I am 19 y/o.

4.    Financially dependent.

5.    Studying. Still and again.

6.    Horny but faithful.

7.    I am gay. And out to almost everybody.

8.    In this stage of my life i could actually say that I’ve experienced and went through almost every challenge and circumstance that the cruel side of this world has to offer. I FELL, I STOOD UP, AND ALONG WITH THAT, I HAVE LEARNED.

9.    As much as i wanted to hide every bit of issue in my life, i just can’t. Living in a small city filled with people who knows everybody and opt to spend their time talking about other people’s lives, rather than spending it doing things to improve their own lives, forbids me to hide and keep something just for myself. But i actually don’t care much because I’m very much proud of where i am now, what I’ve achieved and what I became.

10.    I’ve had a lot of friends back then but very much unsure if they’re true. Now when I’ve encountered almost everything, only a few remained. FEW BUT TRUE.

11.    I am a very good friend, but you wouldn’t want me as an enemy.
12.    They say, a perfect relationship is molded and tested through time, and only love could withstand any trial that comes. That that two people within the relationship, in order for it to last must have the right determination, experience (in handling relationships), connection and spark, trust, understanding and lastly, LOVE. HARD BUT TRUE. I CAN ATTEST TO THIS.

13.    I am in a 1year and 3month relationship right now. Who says LDR’s doesn’t work? Our relationship is one evidence that it actually works. You just need a quite strong foundation to keep it running with a built strong support

14.    I couldn’t say that I am that religious but one thing’s for sure, I LOVE GOD. I visit him in his place once or twice a week and I never forget to thank him before I sleep.

15.    I am a very strong person but weak when it comes to love. Too typical but true. I am very outgoing. I am somebody who doesn’t take things seriously, i laugh around problems, that’s what I. would like to call DEFENSE MECHANISM. I love my family, i love VON,i love PAPA GOD. one of the things that keeps me going is because, I LOVE MYSELF.


16.    I am TOFFERTHANYESTERDAY.